PPP, no loan.

It’s been a long four months bruh.

Since my last post, I relapsed— actually I don’t believe I actually took a break from drinking alcohol. Instead, I miraculously stopped smoking weed (again). Which is pretty wild, seeing as how I thought I was being convicted to stop consuming alcohol but in actuality, Mary Jane is what the Lord called me to let go of. I’m sure at some point I’ll cut ties with alcohol as well but it’s pretty difficult to do so as long as bartender remains my occupation.

Yeah, that. I’ve been back at MGM after being fired and unemployed for four months. The company and my union brought my coworker and I back due to “wrongful termination’— after ruining what was suppose to be a litty city girl summer. Then these fools had the audacity not to give us backpay. SMH. I’m grateful GOD and my momma had me covered during that uncertain time period. Although losing my job after two back-to-back international vacations put a strain on my wallet, the peace of mind I experienced was unmatched. I was so into me during that time period and was able to discover parts of myself that I had suppressed or taken a blind eye to in the pursuit of profit. I can’t even front, I’ve felt like a fraction of myself since returning to work if I’m being completely honest. I’ve had to put on a front and fake it until I make it like I'm rehearsing lines from the time I clock in to the time I drive off the lot. This ain’t no woe is me though. I interviewed for a program coordinator position with a non-profit that is right down my alley of interest— teaching youth to advocate for their communities using photography. The director herself reached out to me and had me apply. In my final interview, her and the “co-director” asked me how I handle stress and I responded with my legit factual truth and said PRAYER, and they both looked at me like I was crazy. Right, then and there I realized I didn’t want to work there. So between that and possibly being slightly underqualified they passed over me— which I’m absolutely ok with because truth be told, I didn’t want to take the pay cut OR work for an organization that I could do on my own as a contractor with the help of some grants. Not to mention, this guy I was dating pretty much coached me through every interview, email and follow up, and had I gotten the position, I just know I would have credited him rather than taken responsibility for what would have been my accomplishment I achieved all on my own. I’m a recovering habitual ego-stroker.

That too is a paramount development. I exclusively dated someone for the first time since my on again-off again five-seven year relationship concluded. Granted, he was definitely not the first person I became a lover girl for, but I did slightly begin to fall for him and all the things. He made it easy by properly courting and pursuing me. He took me to my first NBA and MLB games and wined and dined me from day one, but most importantly he has a relationship with the Lord. We actually started dating in the beginning of 2024 but I wasn’t ready to date at the time so I friend-zoned him. After little to no contact all year, he decided to spend the block late summer and we were locked in from that moment forward- or so I thought. Long story short, he’s corporate climbing and I became an after-thought. What I want to know is, how you going to chase me and then humble me. Lord, these men are DIFFERENT. This can’t be what my ancestors dealt with. I will say my experience with him offered more blessings than lessons and I was able to practice patience and see qualities in him that are prevalent in I. Interesting enough, it was some of my worst traits that came to surface by observing them in him. Funny how GOD reveals things. We’re still cool and friends once again. Lucky for me, the Lord took me back and we’re in relationship anew until my husband knocks at my front door.

And as for me, I turned 34 in September, my credit score is the highest it’s ever been (so interesting seeing as how I had to lose my job, take out a loan, pay the minimum balance and max out all my credit cards in order for this to happen— credit is such a scam), all of my bills are paid, I have a savings again and I’m fighting to get back to the me I was four months ago before returning to work and the rival between my reverence and ambition began. I have yet to come to a common ground between the two. I’m always finding myself either completely thriving and alone or dealing with someone or something and neglecting the riches GOD placed within. The fact that I’ll be 35 this year offers a reality check and an internal alarm clock to lock in and ball out creatively as I approach my prime so FORWARD I must. I’m also practicing the act of keeping more to myself, talking to people less, and talking to GOD more. The theme for 2025 is giving Prayer, Privacy, and Profits. Now, I just need to figure out a way to monetize my talents. Stay tuned…